Dealing with babies in the NICU

The absolute hardest part of giving birth was not being able to hold my babies right after. Because they were premature the NICU team was in the OR for delivery and rushed them out as soon as they were born. I feel like I never got that first *moment* with them.

Blake who was actually born second and weighed less, went home first at 9 days. Kameron shortly followed at 12 days. It was extremely difficult leaving them at the hospital when I got released. It was weird but I felt like a horrible mother and I must have not done something right because my babies were not healthy enough to go home with me. In addition, I couldn't drive yet and my husband worked all day so it was hard to get quality time with them. Breastfeeding was impossible because I wasn't there for every 3 hour feed. So I pumped and brought in my milk every day.

While they were in the NICU I didn't really even feel like a mother yet. I honestly felt like a student. The NICU nurses had to teach us everything from keeping their body temperatures stable to hooking up their feeding tubes. I never got alone time for just me and them. Also, during their stay no one will tell you when they are expected to go home (I guess they say they don't want to get your hopes up). I tried to take it day by day, but it was really hard to picture your first days home with your babies for nine months of pregnancy and then bam you have no idea when you will actually bring them home. I felt a lot of guilt for not being with them enough at the NICU. I longed for them to know who I was more than the nurses.

It was hard because I had imagined how I would bring them home from the hospital and they would sleep in the same crib together snuggled like they were in my stomach for so many months. I imagined how we would all be lazy in bed together in the morning. Honestly I still get jealous watching Baby Stories on TLC because most of those moms get to hold their baby first and get to bring them home healthy and happy.

Now that I look back on all of that, I realize how truly lucky I am. My babies were 6 weeks early, had very low birth weights and both were home within a week and a half. To this day they are happy healthy little boys.